The most effective techniques for resolving conflict in couples

It is known that after the summer vacation separations and divorces are on the rise. In most cases, we know that they were already couples in crisis and that the increased hours of cohabitation during the holidays only accentuated what was a problem before, but that during the rest of the year it may lie in the possibility of spending much less hours together. It can even be considered that the conflict was not so intense, since there were no clashes or discussions in the absence of an opportunity to meet.

The best relationship is not one that doesn’t argue, but one that argues well

The contrast of opinions, difference of opinion is identical with the idea of ​​a a free agreement between two people autonomous, as a healthy couple should be. We should not always and on all issues think alike, but we should not cheat ourselves by giving way on matters that are essential.

The most destructive component in a relationship is disappointment. And it is an element that has to do with the self and not so much with the other. The frustration of what one is really looking for, the desires and fears that the couple is often unaware of because they have failed to communicate. And disappointment leads to a resentment as we credit the partner with not meeting our expectations. Ours. Own.

If we start from the basis that there was a happy stage in the relationship that lasted for some time after the initial infatuation and that there is no problem in the way of thinking or seeing life that is incompatible and this would mean a source of discussions without the possibility of achieving agreements, since they are irrevocable and irreconcilable positions, it is possible to use strategies that facilitate reach agreements that improve the couple’s relationship that isolation has worsened.

Couples in crisis often think of couples therapy as a forum where a professional acts referee in discussions giving the cause to one of the components of the pair in such a way as to establish a truth which the other must accept. Thus they impose the task of persuading the therapist to “buy” the version of either, often forgetting that the task is learn to resolve conflicts, learn to discuss so that the foundations are laid for resolving new conflicts in the future, especially if they will be caused by problems with expressing feelings. It is the couple that needs to be convinced, not the therapist.

First step to redirect link

I offer a strategy that is very effective in teaching couples to redirect their relationships. It was agreed to allocate six sessions, separated by not less than a week but not more than ten days, in which both components of the couple would devote two hours to talk about the relationship. No interference. Focused on raising the issues that concern or hurt them, but provided that if the issue is not resolved in such a way that it does not become a topic of discussion again because an agreement has been reached will be raised again in the next session, but not before then.

It’s not worth bringing up the topic the next day or in a heated moment, but it will be discussed again at the next pre-arranged meeting. Time between sessions permitting rethink the positioning and reflect on the other’s point of view, which is known because it was possible to explain it in detail.

There are a few rules besides having a constructive point of view (this is done to find consensus out of disagreement), respect for forms (to listen and reason and be able to explain your own point of view, not to impose) and not to assume what the other person thinks, but to listen to their suggestion (you yourself can be more or less sure of what you think , but not knowing what the other person is thinking until it is explained and with all the necessary nuances).

must be tried avoid dramatic and maximalist expressions. Words like “always”, “never” are not valid, because it should be borne in mind that situations are dynamic and evolving, and what is very painful today loses intensity over time.

We arbitrarily limit the number of sessions to six, although nothing prevents us from doing more if the format is perceived as an effective method of organizing debate and resolving conflicts. But the obligation to carry out at least these six marks a horizon that is both close to starting an active process of change and does not seem excessive if what is envisaged is save an important connection. Those who have tried it usually explain that the first sessions are the most difficult, but that in later sessions they feel more comfortable and can deal with deeper topics.

Step two to channelize the connection

Once this organized communication space is achieved, the next step is what we call tanto for tanto. This phrase literally means “one thing for another” in Latin. Therefore, it is about exchanging things that one does for the other for something that the other will do for you. And they are actions, not good intentions, which allows it to be obtained practical and visible results of the exchange. Sharing personal leisure time, better allocation of hours for housework or child care would be examples of quid pro quo. Many times when we negotiate, the couple’s needs, little quirks, and wants come into consideration, knowing also that we are bringing our own to the table. To the extent that it is appreciated that in the exchange both win and that what is achieved improves the relationship, one is on the right path to overcome crises normal which causes the natural wear and tear of coexistence. And if not, at least there is evidence that it was tried in good faith.

If the relationship ends in separation, but there is respect for the other, sure It would be better than forced cohabitation without respect.

About the author

We are talking about Dr. Xavier Fabregas, founder and medical director of Mas Ferriol
Instagram: @centromasferriol
Website: www.masferriol.com


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