“It’s not you, it’s me.” Retreat without injury
When one of the parties in a relationship decides to end it, but does not know how to do it, he uses the phrase: “It’s not you, it’s me”, which has become a kind of pretext, argument or strategy to try to break up a love relationship , in which the person no longer feels comfortable, in which he no longer loves the person, or both of their problems have gotten beyond them, to the point that he no longer wants to be with the couple.
The problem is that in addition to not knowing how to tell the person that you no longer want to continue the relationship, you are trying not to hurt them. “They don’t want to feel guilty that the person is left to suffer. The problem is that it needs to be supplemented with “retirement without hurting yourself” and to achieve this we need to think about the love of the elderly and emotional responsibility, said Dr. Manuel Hernández, director of Descubriéndote, a clinic and consulting firm for emotional health.
He explained that adult love involves being able to talk about things. To be able to express feelings, to affirm both the couple’s feelings and their own, in the sense that both are important. Both are valuable, but so is the right to be where you want to be.
“The problem is that speaking at that level of sincerity requires a lot of maturity, it requires emotional strength and clarity about what is legitimate, and because that doesn’t happen in reality, we resort to other things like ghosts (disappear, don’t answer messages or calls) and unfortunately this form leaves the other party very bad, leaves them with thousands of questions. They wonder what I’ve done wrong, what have I done wrong, I’m not valuable, I’m not good enough to be left behind without saying anything,” explains the emotional health professional.
He recalled that there is a phrase that has been used for a long time and that is ’til death do them part’ and that phrase should be ’till death love do them part’, especially in this evolution that is happening with love relationships, which have practically become disposable.
Manuel Hernández, director of Descubriéndote, a space celebrating its fourth anniversary of offering emotional health services, pointed out that “in assertive communication there are assertive rights, one of which is the right to say no without feeling guilty. Another of them is that I have the right to express my feelings, my emotions, and I am responsible for what I say and how I say it. There is also a third, I have the right to change my mind and that means I could have married a person and over time the relationship wore off, we went our separate ways, someone grew up, something happened in the relationship and a point where you you think “I’m not from here anymore, I don’t want to be here anymore” and despite the fact that the person has committed, that he has signed documents, he has the right to say that I don’t want, I don’t want to continue this relationship”.
The 5 signs that indicate that the relationship is in a carousel
The specialist was direct: When there is visible distancing; when sex life significantly disappears; when conflicts and discussions are no longer realized, but on the contrary, they lead you to the point where you do not speak to each other for days or even weeks; when you start having other kinds of plans for yourself and when you no longer consider your partner in anything.
What is the recommendation for couples in this situation?
“Couples therapy has one entrance and two possible exits. At the entrance, we have a problem that has already surpassed us, it has surpassed our negotiation skills, reaching agreements, conflict resolution skills, and therefore we need the help of an expert or specialist. And along the path of therapy, one or both of them may discover that this relationship has already exploded and no matter how hard they try, it will no longer be what it was before or escape,” notes the specialist.
Prepare for the most painless breakup possible
“And the second time is that with therapy they discover that there is a lot to salvage and the relationship can be re-examined.” So we work on creating new agreements, avoiding expectations, starting to see the other person as a person, and that means understanding that he has a way of being, a personality, a series of codes, and this is the way he is chosen “.
doDo we Mexicans idealize relationships?
“Although the Mexican has more of a tendency towards the brotherhood, towards the muegano family, we do not escape the effects of falling in love anywhere and this romantic love, as it is called, where dopamine rises, it means that there is a lot of motivation, the ability to judge loses and then we start to see that person as someone wonderful, extraordinary and then we stop seeing the person as they really are”, therefore, when the emotion starts to decrease, they start to discover the “flaws” that have always been there, on face.
The specialist recommended that people who are in love or in the process of meeting a new partner, observe how they behave with their friends, with their colleagues, with their family. There the person is relaxed and lowers his defenses, it flows naturally there and so it will be in these environments with the new partner”.
How do social networks influence the way relationships are created and strengthened?
Social networking topics are in fashion, there are many dating apps, what they do is put a kind of catalog where the person has the option to put yes, no, yes, no, then compared to decades ago, the conditions they didn’t allow you to meet many couples, which meant there was more of a commitment. “Now, because of the smallest details, relationships break, “I didn’t like this, I didn’t think this, this attitude shocked me, so the next one” and there comes a time when there is no longer commitment or desire to work on love, in building in a relationship,” he explained.
“There are many people who have found love in this type of social networks and the percentage is close to 34%, but the rest are abuses, failures because different personalities are found, I am not saying that the right relationship is not found, but it is very complicated. And you have to understand that when you use these tools to get a partner,” said the specialist.
When the separation has already happened, what advice do you give these couples?
“It’s not the same to ask for the relationship to end than for them to ask you to end it when you ask for it, it’s more ‘simple’ to go through a grieving stage where you go let go of the emotions you felt in the relationship . I think it’s important here to review what went wrong, what was missing, what happened, what caused the relationship not to prosper, because if I can learn any lesson from this mess, we know that there are second and even third marriages , one of the reasons you go to a third or even fourth marriage is because you haven’t learned anything from what happened in previous relationships, that’s the problem, we don’t give ourselves time to wait for our hearts to heal when another relationship it’s already starting,” he revealed.
When one party says no, they have the right to withdraw, they have the right to seek their happiness elsewhere, and on that premise the person who stays has the same, they have to take the time to learn from what it is what went wrong and to recover, not to quickly start another love affair.
Finally, he emphasized that “today’s society must restore certain values and among them respect for the other, care for the other. This part is lost. Today we are in a hedonistic, self-centered attitude where we only think about our own personal and immediate gratification, in this sense we suddenly forget that the other person also feels that the other person is affected by my actions and if anything, love breakups could be more a little painful”.