Although every couple begins their love story with the dream of living together for the rest of their lives, the reality is that not everyone achieves it.
For psychiatrist Jeanrro Aguirre Dedios of the Community Mental Health Center of La Victoria, love, more than a random event or luck, is a construct that feeds on affection, commitment and above all decisions.
“A lot of people say they love someone when they’re really just in love,” he commented in an interview with the program A healthy mind on the Andina channel online.
The expert explained that falling in love has several phases: first comes the attraction, then the moment when the matches are loved, and then give way to true love, where a person falls in love with the person despite the differences they have with her ..
“During attraction, you want to be with the other person all the time. Our brains are full of dopamine, the neurotransmitter of happiness that sometimes blinds us and makes us do or say amazing things.
Falling in love is not a linear process. There are intermediate points where there is an idealization of the couple fueled by a series of discourses that come from romantic love.
“When will we get to true love?” When, despite the defects and unfavorable situations in the couple, we decide to bet on the relationship”, emphasizes the expert.
Success will depend on a number of variables, including their self-image, their scale of values, and what each believes or assumes love is.
“A lot of people say they’re together till death, but love doesn’t always end in marriage or the princess fairy tale we’re told. There are theories that show that love can last between two and three years, which does not mean that it will end in that time, a lot will depend on each couple.
Every relationship begins to fray over time, but that doesn’t mean it has to end. However, there are signs that warn of risk in its continuity.
One of them is lack of enthusiasm, less shared time, developing a sense of loss or loneliness despite the relationship, arguments over small issues, misunderstandings that never end and that in many cases this is only the tip of the iceberg where one of of the two, he complains more because he doesn’t feel supported.
The frequency of intimate meetings is also an indicator of the health of the couple.
“Not so much because of the number, but because of how fruitful they can be in proximity, a relationship. When there is a decrease in frequency or intimacy in a couple, there is a lack of emotional connection, driven by resentment, unresolved issues, or as a form of revenge.
Conflicts can arise for various reasons, including because one does not show the other on social media or because they do not like their lives to be published online.
The psychiatrist reminded the couples not to forget that their members are individual beings, with the right to a private life, being careful not to perceive this as something punitive for one and open for another.
An alarm signal, according to him, is, for example, putting a password on the mobile phone, when this has not been done before.
“If a person starts rummaging through social networks or the couple’s phone, it means that we already start to suspect that something is wrong. Also, there is a very clear saying that “he who seeks, finds” and not always because there is a fault on the other side, but because of the interpretation we give to things, causing a fight between the couple.
For Aguirre, everyone enters a relationship with a backpack of dirty clothes, and when someone wants to wash it with their partner, they must learn to separate the colored clothes from the white, “because our partner today should not pay for what happened in the past connection”.
How to finish?
Emotionally mature people will try to talk, have a dialogue to try to save the relationship, others will withdraw, have parallel relationships or look for an excuse to get out of the relationship.
“If they both realize that the relationship is not enough, we should try to clarify things. The emotional part will always have expectations, desires and goals, and when these are not met, there is a feeling of pain that can be compared to the loss of a family member or loved one.
A breakup also has its own process and stages: denial (we don’t accept the loss, idealization of the past occurs), anger, depression, and finally acceptance.
“The ideal is to accept the end of the relationship with dignity. There are people who insist on being with partners who don’t want them, there you have to do a cognitive restructuring, work to bring the expectations you have to a more realistic level, as well as deconstruct the idealizations of love that don’t work , stepping on the ground, here and now, which is the only real thing,” he said.
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